The three little (Mobster) Pigs

It’s a rough world for an animal, especially when there’s so much competition.  You got Tommy the rat, Snoop the dog, Charley the squirrel, Don the stool pigeon, and about a hundred other wise guys gunning for one thing, their own damn hides.  The unspoken rule though, is nobody talks to the cops.  Those wolves would rather eat you than give you your due process.  I can’t blame ‘em on account of our revolving door prison system but hey! That’s just LA.

To begin my “tale of woe,” I’ll just tell you right off the bat I’m telling it posthumously.  In other words, I’m dead kids; nails in the coffin, six feet under dead.  I hate it when wise guys tell a story where they make you guess whether they got knocked off and you know the truth of the matter; they did.  You found the fucking bloody manuscript at their desk, you know they’re dead but they add this unnecessary drama to make their story more exciting and leave it on their desk when you come to shoot them between the fucking eyeballs.  Meh, what do I know about writing, I’m a fucking pig.

Freddy the Pig.  I run a butcher shop and a couple other businesses around town with my two brothers, Eddy and Teddy.  I know what you’re thinking about the rhyming names and this being a story book tale but forget it.  Fredrick, Edward and Theodore were our god given names and the rest is for street credit and appearance of a united front.  Our last names?  Prosciutto.  Together they call us the three little pigs because of account we make our money in pounds of flesh.

I remember the night I died clear as crystal.  Eddy was working down town at the butcher’s shop; Teddy was around the corner at the packaging plant and me?  Well I was across town at the slaughterhouse.  The wolves had our scent and they were out for blood on account of Teddy being a dumb mother fucker and killing a cop.  I had the body at the plant and along with some pig and cow intestines was ready to turn it into beef bologna.

Inspector Mike Wolfe was on duty that night and he had rounded up a posy of LA’s finest to take all of us three in for racketeering, armed robbery, various organized crimes and multiple accounts of murder.  Wolfe was the kind of guy who mirrored guys like Wyatt Earp and Rooster Cogburn.  You either gave up or got shot up and Eddy knew it when he heard the knock.

They hit Eddy first.  Pure little Eddy was no problem at all.  He didn’t even have a leg to stand on, on account of the doors at 1^st and Main being made of glass.  It was 11 o’ clock; closing time and Eddy had just locked up. He was cleaning behind the door when he heard the knock.

“Eddy the pig!”

No response from Eddy as he cowered behind the meat case in fear.

“EDDY THE PIG!” said Officer Wolfe louder this time and with agitation in his voice and his finger on his trigger.

“Look, Eddy, we can do this the easy way.  You open the door and I arrest you or we can do it the hard way where I have to blow the door down.”

Still no response from Eddy.

Wolfe stood back from the door and fired two shots into it, shattering the glass and giving him about three steps between him and the meat case.  Eddy got off a round directly into Wolfe’s vest but it was too late because Wolfe always shot for the head.  After the shots had been fired by those two men and Eddy was on the floor, all hell broke loose. Those cops ate him up as they sprayed the meat case till there was probably nothing left of Eddy when they heard Wolfe’s yelling, “Hold your fire, ya mooks!”

They took a lot into evidence and then a small contingent of them moved on down the road to Teddy.

They came up to the establishment with sirens blazing and lights on.  They wanted Teddy to know they had come for him.  This was not meant to be a blood bath but it had to be.  Teddy wasn’t one of us three little pigs to just lie down and take it.  That’s why I had the dead body of a cop ready to be turned into lunch meat.

Knocking on the wooden door to the processing plant, Teddy was sure he was safe.  Wood is stronger than glass and he had about 6 pad locks on it between him and that Wolfe.

“Teddy the pig!”

“Suck my big, fat dick you scuzzle butt, hairy faced whore, Wolfe!”

“Teddy, that hurts my feelings but you will open the door… even if I have to blow this place up!” said Wolfe.

Readying a Browning M2 that he mounted on the railing, Teddy was ready to obliterate anything that came through that door.

“Teddy, I know the kind of toys you like to play with and this place you’re holed up in is made of sticks compared to what I got for it,” said Wolfe

Teddy drew back on the lock to load the machine gun and said, “You hear that?  That’s a fucking browning M2, Wolfe.  You come near the inside of this place and I’m going to roll you like barrel full of nothing!”

“Teddy, I think we got you out gunned out here.  I got some heavy duty stuff.  You sure you want to do this dance again?”

Teddy knew Wolfe on a personal account of five years prior when Wolfe had gotten shot in the leg and Teddy still had a bullet lodged in his shoulder somewhere near the tendon.  In this moment, Teddy thought about that night and made the conscious decision to shoot first.  It was glorious!  If it had been a movie, you would have heard, “Ode to Joy” while chunks of brick and mortar spat out at the wall of police officers like hundreds of arrows flying over the battlefield of some ancient china man’s war. 

You could see that even though the smoke grenades went into the building and the grenade grenades blew away the cat walk that vicious Teddy the pig stood on, he kept shooting all the way to the ground. The cops bodies were riddled with bullets and pieces of them littered the meat packing plant’s floor till the animal parts and these wolves parts were indistinguishable.

The alpha Wolfe, however was unscathed.  He had let his men go in and gotten not a scratch on him.  As he looked about at the men lying on the floor in pieces, he came over to Teddy’s body, which at this point was laughing and choking on the blood that gurgled out of his shot up body.  The Wolfe in his rage, drew his knife from his utility belt, cut the broken bullet proof vest from Teddy’s front and stuck the knife into Teddy’s gut like a stuck pig.  Teddy, all that time, continued to laugh in Mike’s face and spit his blood all over Mike Wolfe’s snout until Mike twisted the knife and Teddy the pig was no more.

It was my turn at last.  The last little pig and the boss little pig.  I was the smart one; the most animal of them all because I could maximize my death toll without the destruction.  My door was made from solid steel on account of this being a slaughterhouse and the meat needed to be immediately chilled.

Wolfe wouldn’t knock on this door.  Even if he did, he knew I wouldn’t hear the response and his words wouldn’t get through the raw metal.  So he called the plant’s phone, hoping he could reason with me and avoid as many casualties as Teddy cost him.

“Hello?” I said

“Freddy, it’s Mike Wolfe.  Your brothers are dead and we have your place surrounded.  Your brother cost me a lot of men and as you’re the boss, I’m sure you can cost me just as much.  So let’s both be smart, I know you didn’t kill that cop and the one who did is already dead.  You can beat the charges so why don’t we just talk after you let me in.”

I heard his words and part of me was scared but the dominant part wanted revenge for my flesh and blood that the Wolfe and his Wolves had killed.  It was that part that uttered in rage, “not by the hairs on my mother fucking chin, you dick!”

From the other end of the line, I heard, “Ok, take it out, before the door blew open with the force of C4.  Cops in riot gear came flooding in as I hid in an office on the first floor.

Mike Wolfe, also dressed in armor, yelled out on the factory floor, “little pig, little pig where are you?”

They taunted us, I suppose, on account of all the “good cops” we’d taken from them.  I didn’t give a Tommy the rat’s ass.

“Come and get me you shit cop!”

“Fan out!”

25 cops accompanied Mike Wolfe that night and 10 of them I wounded and 15 of them I killed using Gurkha tactics I’d learned while I was stationed in Burma during the war.  You see, Eddy had no idea what he was doing so he used this little snub nose P.O.S. to protect himself; Teddy knew what he was doing but with Teddy is was always a light show.  The boy liked big toys because he thought he was invincible.  Me?  Well I knew the trick to mass slaughter was deception, sneaking and a knife with a sharp edge.  It was ironic that my life should be ended by another knife just like Teddy’s was.

                When the backup arrived, Mike Wolfe was cleaning off his blade and intensely staring at my Kukri. Officer Roger Cub from the 5^th precinct stood with him and, disgusted caught a glimpse of my blade.

“I’ve never seen such an un-American piece of garbage as this knife, have you?” said officer Cub

“Got the job done,” said Wolfe tossing it at my corpse.

“What are you going to tell the papers about how you lost 22 cops tonight?” said officer Cub.

“The story of the Prosciutto brothers… The story of the three little pigs,” said Officer Wolfe.