Chapter 3: Through the eyes of a "god."
It is almost impossible to describe what it is to be nothing, or at least nothing that one would realize as a sentient being. When you are nothing, you exist for the soul purpose of serving the laws of physics. You become married to the concept; Physics tells you yes or no. Physics tells you what things you can affect as energy and physics tells you what you can occupy and how you will be able to do it.
Being a ghost, I imagine, would be quite different because as a dead thing, you are the absence of things where as pure energy, you are all things. As I have described before, though, it does have its perks.
As pure energy, I can move anywhere in the universe that energy exists. Concepts such as time and spacial relationships to not apply because as pure energy, I can simply become energy at another point in space time by adapting to it through quantum fluctuation and be there. The catch is that going back past the point that I became pure energy is not an option to me as my signature in this form does not exist. Also, should I chose to take corporeal form, or find a way as I have recently done, my abilities as pure energy cease to exist within that time frame. For instance, I inherited a human womb to be born and experience life as a human being. After this point in time, I can adapt and become the energy being I was before this point in time or I can become the energy being that I was after this point in time but the physical presence of me in that time frame that I become corporeal and bound by time and relative space is always a constant. It's like an immortal giving up immortality to suffer the life of mortality.
When I view it this way, it seems so pitiful but there are definite advantages to having limitations. It's the difference between playing an amazing video game that has gotten old with cheat codes and then trying to play it on the highest difficulty without them.
Life is hard but not as hard as the moment that I became an immortal. The moment of the "failed" experiment.
"Son..." the voice boomed from all over, "emotions are a memory now but you can choose whether to feel them."
My mother standing there seemed so fragile and I realized that she was indeed more vulnerable than myself. Still, I was just as vulnerable; fresh to the immortality and power that I had inherited, I was not tied to anything I had known. I was here in this existence living for the sake of living but not truly existing with the "trivial" joys that come with life.
I did indeed go through the stages of grief that day and not because I had to but because I refused to let go of what tied me to reality. However after about the 5th time bargaining and realizing that all I could now occupy was my present form and the farthest I could go back was to the moment that I became this, I began to seek out what passed for my father's voice in the fog.
"First of all, I want to apologize that you did not get the choice to make the decision to be what we are. I first experienced this memory of emotion when I became what I am but it is not real and neither are we to them. In time, they will learn to accept us and even become us but you will not be able to see that for a while as it is too far into the future for your present genesis to allow."
"How do you speak with such calm? Such..." I thought for a moment and realized that I didn't have to think at all, I simply knew that he had become nothing in all of his being. A place where I was not at yet.
"You and I are pure energy. Even the term son is relative because you are not my progeny but rather, we exist as equals. We are forces of nature and this is no distinguishing me from you except for our individual consciousnesses that we choose to have. I do not speak with calm, Djinn, I simply speak. You will find that we serve a higher purpose now as these forms that we occupy do not limit us in the ways that physical beings are limited. We do not consume food but rather we feed off the fount of energy that exists with all things and as long as it exists, so will we."
"So what is the purpose of life?" I asked.
"For us as we were? To continue the cycle of energy that perpetuates life, (in all definitions) in the universe. For us now? To be life (in all definitions and states) in the universe."
The conversation went on for a long time and in that time, we discussed the secrets of the universe that I am unable to disclose even if I wanted to because the explanation can not be firmly understood by man, or any other creature for that matter, in a way that would make sense. As purified energy, we simply understood.
To man, the splitting of an atom is a great mystery but to us, everything involved in this procedure is part of us. We are as intimately involved in such a process as two lovers might be in sex, except we are a part and are conscious within every piece of the process. I could go into detail but I'd rather try to avoid being lewd in lieu of such exquisite beauty and magnificence in the experience of what we are.
Any energy signature similar to my own which was quite diverse was felt by me and I existed all over the universe. Some refer to this as being god-like but the religious version of god suggests that he is aware of all things and as purified energy beings we were not aware of all things, we simply are. we cannot create or destroy matter but we perpetuate it; Emotion and beauty as seen by the eyes of man eluded us. We were not, by any stretch of the imagination, creators; We weren't manipulators either. Our place in the universe was simply to exist in most things.
The limitations being that our energy signatures although present all over the universe, were unique to us and this became, through our own desires to preserve our sense of self, a semi-law of physics. If we were ever to explore too far and cross a line in becoming one with all things, we would simply become the universe and cease to exist at all.
"We might never have existed, if we decide to do such a thing as blend like that..." said my former father that day.
The days and weeks went on after the experiment and as I said before, there's no way to describe that time, outside of, "we existed."
When I was born to a human mother, I had the possibility to be something. The pun being very much intended. I was nothing as everything and something as one thing. One might say that humans are more diverse than just one thing but that's the beauty of human beings: you are not diverse creatures. You strive for a oneness and create giant superstores and chains and companies to unify you in ways that make you less and less inclined to be unique. It's a true beauty of mankind that in this way, you all identify as human and are able to separate into the illusion of difference because you are just that perfectly average in the grand scheme of the universe.
That being said, it seems that I instantly missed my ability to be part of all things as I began to solidify my position as being born human. Although the beauty of verisimilitude did not elude me, the more human I became, the less I was able to command such presence in the universe and the smaller I felt. Perhaps even the paragraph prior to this one is motivated by my regret for giving up that position. For I am truly awful at being human at times...
