The Nature of Evil

Evil, in a human is something that is a rare find because human's have such capacity for good or too much anger and hatred for evil. Evil stems from not hating or letting emotions get involved and having enough good to trick people into thinking your a great person. Truly evil people will get a following and as if by osmosis, the other people also start to put on a fake smile and gather superficial people around them so the evil spreads and people are generally unhappy but little pleasures that are inherently evil make us think we are happy.

There are those of us who were born evil, and this type is the infection; Those of us who found evil, these are the infected; those of us who had no choice but evil, these are those struggling to survive in sinful business or who might be sick from a mental disease that makes them do evil things; and last but not least there is me. I am that who works very, very hard to become evil because my good is so immense that the path to destroying my own emotion and sword that I will use against those who fought with my emotion, is to embrace the evil within and truly start to destroy lives. I want to see humanity suffer as I have and take my deceptive passion to their hearts once I've had their loins. Human beings are pathetic creatures and like sheep, they deserve to be prayed on.

Here is my new vendetta, I will destroy all that they hold dear...

Morning Pains

I held her there in the dark, looking at the clock that read 5:56 AM. My heart was racing like an engine firing every piston at the same time. My mind kept saying to myself, 7:30 AM. I couldn't decide what made my heart race so fast and feel like it was about to collapse on its self. I was here with someone beautiful, someone fragile who had a special place in my heart but yet my heart ached, It seemed to say, in the most violent of ways, get out of here.

Perhaps it was sexual. Could I perhaps feel something sexual for the person I held in my arms, who not four hours earlier, I just wanted to hold and nothing more?

I had to go to the bathroom. That must have been it. My heart was pounding because of mistaken identity of a bladder problem disguised as sexual desire.

I told her I had to go. She turned to hug me. This is the way I would have liked to hold her rather than spooning. I wanted to kiss her lips. Could that be? I don't want that desire. Be gone you foul mouthed child who screams in my head like a cultist screams against the world!

In any case I had to go. I gave her a kiss on the cheek, pulled up her covers and made my way to the door.

The night outside was cold and bitter as I lit my cigarette. Burning passion in my heart still pulled at me even after my object had disappeared.

"You fool. You goddam fool. Wake the hell up child, you wanted to kiss her right on the lips"

"Shut the hell up you ruiner of dreams. little voice. little tiny voice that says nothing but controls everything."

My heart raced on the walk home; even with the fire I was putting in my lungs and stifling to exhale.

My heart seemed to say, "I love you, but I have no idea how to tell you." Sudden realizations in the night, or rather in the morning telling me how to use this heart.
"You can keep it! Tear it out of my chest I don't want it anymore. It only creates disaster for my already fucked up life. I hate you."

As I got home I went to the bathroom and even after this, the feeling was not gone. Even as I went to the computer to write, nothing left my soul.

My heart still ached, it could not rest, tearing apart its self like an engine firing every piston at the exact same time.

"Go to sleep you dibic! We went home, you've had your way! Fuck you!"

The Hitman [29 Jul 2006|11:01pm]

I saw the acid stained tears running down your cheek. The sick whimper that escaped your lips and rang in my skull and empty heart forever. That rank, disheveled, "just been fucked" smell all over your body and a smoking revolver in my hand. It wasn't because I loved you; I didn't do it for that: I did it for business. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't even fucking know you. Goddamn it. Why'd you have to be here?
"BANG! BANG BANG!"
Your body fell to the floor and swooned for a moment because you saw something beautiful for the first time in your life. You saw the real you, reflected in the blood streaming from your lifeless body and onto the floor as your spirit left and floated up to a better place.
Fuck. You were a beautiful girl. It's a shame to waste life on a fuck-off like him.
The sun was just rising in the sky too. There was a sent of roses and cut grass carried on the mist brought in by the evanescing morning dew.
It made me nostalgic for a better time when I didn't get involved in this life of self-deprecating redundancy. When you're in this business you either die or get sent to jail. The second might have been better but when a wheel spins with only two choices on it, I don't enjoy my odds.
I put my pistol away and lit a cigarette. In a scratch on a record of an old love song, I saw moments of sitting on a floor with a lilliputian model T in my hands and then nothing but the thick smell of burnt black powder and freshly laid bodies of Russian mafiosos.
A gun on the table...
Two shots into the lifeless day...
Nothing.
It was high time I disappeared.
I pushed over the can of gas I had brought with me from the car and tossed my cigarette into it. The place lit up like a dry day on a ranch in hell. I couldn't see how this day could get any better. Sometimes I think it never will.