Morning Pains

I held her there in the dark, looking at the clock that read 5:56 AM. My heart was racing like an engine firing every piston at the same time. My mind kept saying to myself, 7:30 AM. I couldn't decide what made my heart race so fast and feel like it was about to collapse on its self. I was here with someone beautiful, someone fragile who had a special place in my heart but yet my heart ached, It seemed to say, in the most violent of ways, get out of here.

Perhaps it was sexual. Could I perhaps feel something sexual for the person I held in my arms, who not four hours earlier, I just wanted to hold and nothing more?

I had to go to the bathroom. That must have been it. My heart was pounding because of mistaken identity of a bladder problem disguised as sexual desire.

I told her I had to go. She turned to hug me. This is the way I would have liked to hold her rather than spooning. I wanted to kiss her lips. Could that be? I don't want that desire. Be gone you foul mouthed child who screams in my head like a cultist screams against the world!

In any case I had to go. I gave her a kiss on the cheek, pulled up her covers and made my way to the door.

The night outside was cold and bitter as I lit my cigarette. Burning passion in my heart still pulled at me even after my object had disappeared.

"You fool. You goddam fool. Wake the hell up child, you wanted to kiss her right on the lips"

"Shut the hell up you ruiner of dreams. little voice. little tiny voice that says nothing but controls everything."

My heart raced on the walk home; even with the fire I was putting in my lungs and stifling to exhale.

My heart seemed to say, "I love you, but I have no idea how to tell you." Sudden realizations in the night, or rather in the morning telling me how to use this heart.
"You can keep it! Tear it out of my chest I don't want it anymore. It only creates disaster for my already fucked up life. I hate you."

As I got home I went to the bathroom and even after this, the feeling was not gone. Even as I went to the computer to write, nothing left my soul.

My heart still ached, it could not rest, tearing apart its self like an engine firing every piston at the exact same time.

"Go to sleep you dibic! We went home, you've had your way! Fuck you!"