Stuck

I walk home in quiet humility and review my entire life. It's amazing how good my memory recall is and in my weakened and tired frame of mind, after a hard day of work, I start to get beat up by all the memories and perfect recall of feelings past. Somehow, my brain tells me that it's therapeutic; that somehow by feeling the pain of my mistakes will help me get through them but all of it seems to just remind me of pain.

With all the rushing feelings and emotions that I'm trying to process, I can only see your silhouette, like a cowboy cutout in a dark tunnel with a dying flashlight at the end of it; the proverbial going to heaven is my journey that I've been on till I have you in my arms and I in yours for life.

I think of the song "Home" because of its meaning and think about how because my home is with you I am in a foreign world and will be until I'm with you. I have to leave this place and soon for it is unhealthy for me to stay here. Then it happens.

The song triggers perfect memory recall and I am all of a sudden transported, against my will, to Brooklyn, NYC. It's there I can recall perfectly the feeling of the sheets and the smells and the feeling of my ex who I did love but do not anymore. I know I don't because I dream about you but the memories will never fade and going back into them sucks. I remember Arizona and I remember my plans of being with Sarah forever and it chokes me as I fall to the ground and go through it all again in moments.

It feels like a thousand images flashing in succession as I remember my entire journey with her and at the end of it all, I remember how terribly she treated me and manipulated me and how all I gave back to her was love and a desire to hear from her. After some time, it stops but the wound remains as I limp up the street with both wounded pride, fear, and a sadness that I wish I could have had you from the beginning and have never known anything but you.

As I get through the door of my house, the memory fades but the pain resonates like a Buddhist gong.

I am hailed into my step-father's room where he tells me I have to still pay rent to live at their house and I almost leave right there and then but I stay to let him finish what he has to say so...
I don't know why...
So he might feel better, I suppose. I have no desire to please him but just to stick around long enough to not tick him off. I kind of hate him at this moment. He knows the hardship that I endure ahead and yet he enforces stupid rules that only make things harder on me. He says that he loves me and that he wishes me the best of luck but he "cannot and will not support my getting married in any way."

When I'm done letting him rant and rave about how I should wait longer to get married and his excruciating dialogue about how I've made mistakes time and time again, I no longer even feel guilty about making mistakes in the past. All I feel is anger that he thinks this is going to be another one. The worst thing is: There is nothing I can do about it.

I go into my room and try to find something to do but as I fill out applications, they become so cloudy and distorted, I can no longer see and all I want is to be comfortably numb. I can't even do that.