Desert Daze

The Western wall was 5 miles away and I hadn't seen a bit of food in 4 days.
I ran away to this god forsaken sand jungle about a week ago when I realized I loved my best friend of 20 years and not my angry, decrepit troll of a wife who had dug her claws in during the 4 years of excruciating harmony.
The whole situation had caused me to drink heavily on an empty stomach, which I hear is bad in a desert but what would you have me do? Water has no kick and therefore isn't worth drinking when you're unhappy in the middle of the desert. Just in case though, I brought along a good half pound of "Train Wreck" to keep my stomach from doing flip flops.
As I walked on, I counted the seconds with the visible heat waves rising from the sand. As I got to the top of the next dune, the heat waves seemed to turn a darker color close to the horizon and I knew somebody else besides me was in this desert. I could never be sure, though, because this mission had been given to me by my publishers in San Fran, who had never seen a desert let alone breathed air this clean because, let's be honest, who wants to live in a fucking desert?
As I reached the form on the horizon, I tried to talk to him in a calm and collected voice.
"ayouthur!" I said.
"American?" He said.
"Yunothaweitotha... Wusternwall?" I said.
There was a hail of laughter as I realized that there were many of these little lemmings all around me.
I thought to myself, this is the middle of the desert, nobody will know if I'm gone...
"Defenyerself yuasshole!" I thought out loud.
Many strange stares gazed at me and terror began to take control. There's nothing like a gathering of melting fat midgets with peahs to scare a man straight.
"Peah... sis." I said.
"Peahs," the midget melty repeated.
"yuarabbi?" I said.
"I think so," he responded.
The wall rose up in front of me like the tooth of an astronomical dragon. As I realized where I was relief overcame me. That was also about the time that I realized the motivation keeping me conscious was also gone and then the world when blank.

English 101

She sat to the side of the class and had a nonchalance withal innocence. Her hair was black and shown in the sun coming from behind the windows. She didn't say much but something about her would attract every guy in that class.
Perhaps it was the way her eyes glowed like she had a forbidden secret she carried or perhaps it was the assumed innocence that was too much for any man to pass up but whatever it was, it was enough to make a man dizzy.
It was that feeling that you get when you run a mile in the hot sun and don't drink enough water so that everything seems distant. It was enough to make those exotic slightly slanted eyes seem like they were deep within the head of an angel.
Just as the thoughts would get the best of us and we began to realize that we were in English class, meant to be listening to the Harry Potter story we were all reading, the bell would ring and time would resume.