Desert Daze

The Western wall was 5 miles away and I hadn't seen a bit of food in 4 days.
I ran away to this god forsaken sand jungle about a week ago when I realized I loved my best friend of 20 years and not my angry, decrepit troll of a wife who had dug her claws in during the 4 years of excruciating harmony.
The whole situation had caused me to drink heavily on an empty stomach, which I hear is bad in a desert but what would you have me do? Water has no kick and therefore isn't worth drinking when you're unhappy in the middle of the desert. Just in case though, I brought along a good half pound of "Train Wreck" to keep my stomach from doing flip flops.
As I walked on, I counted the seconds with the visible heat waves rising from the sand. As I got to the top of the next dune, the heat waves seemed to turn a darker color close to the horizon and I knew somebody else besides me was in this desert. I could never be sure, though, because this mission had been given to me by my publishers in San Fran, who had never seen a desert let alone breathed air this clean because, let's be honest, who wants to live in a fucking desert?
As I reached the form on the horizon, I tried to talk to him in a calm and collected voice.
"ayouthur!" I said.
"American?" He said.
"Yunothaweitotha... Wusternwall?" I said.
There was a hail of laughter as I realized that there were many of these little lemmings all around me.
I thought to myself, this is the middle of the desert, nobody will know if I'm gone...
"Defenyerself yuasshole!" I thought out loud.
Many strange stares gazed at me and terror began to take control. There's nothing like a gathering of melting fat midgets with peahs to scare a man straight.
"Peah... sis." I said.
"Peahs," the midget melty repeated.
"yuarabbi?" I said.
"I think so," he responded.
The wall rose up in front of me like the tooth of an astronomical dragon. As I realized where I was relief overcame me. That was also about the time that I realized the motivation keeping me conscious was also gone and then the world when blank.